Work & Life Balance (Podcast Blog)
Introduction:
Cheryl Bare is a passionate entrepreneur, volunteer, and wife who wants to create opportunities for other military spouses and women.
She has 10 years of work experience in various sectors including small business, local government, finance, and nonprofits. Her hobbies include event planning, hiking, travel, meeting new people, and snuggling with her pooch
1. Set Boundaries
So first off, like anything else is being aware of what it means to set boundaries and when it comes to work life balance to me, I view it in two separate components. So the first component is the emotional component, right and it is, the emotions you feel when you Doing something when you're not doing something on the podcast, we've had some episodes. And we call it shelled, like shame and guilt that may creep in when you're doing something, but you kind of feel like oh, but maybe I should be doing this instead. And a lot of people kind of have these conflicting emotions.
So there's an emotional component. And then there's what took what I like to call the tactical component, which is more living it out in action, right. So actually committing to whatever it is you find important, and the way that I have found, and things have kind of picked up a lot. For me, it's also different, this is the first time for me, I'm living on the other side of the world, literally, I'm 13 hours ahead of my entire family. So you know, the way we communicate is different, our timing is different, the way we do everything is just a little bit different. But it's important, you know, and I think what's critical, is taking the time to literally and it sounds basic, but it really will be a game changer for you write out what is most important to you, it doesn't matter what it is, it could be a small thing for me, it has been, you know, when I took my full time job out here in Japan, it requires you know, on on the base that I work on, there are service members, they they don't get to live the base, all they have is what's on there, and our centers, when the only places where they can go where rank doesn't exist, you're just there, we're there to take care of you. Right.
So one thing that is so important is that we are the Disneyland right for our service members. So, you know, part of that is like literally being that source of positivity. And that that bright spark. But one thing I found out in delivering that I could not consistently provide that if I was not getting myself at a good balance positive place. So for me that required, I had a workout, right? So I've had a few knee surgeries, some of your, your viewers may have had injuries or something like that. So for me, I was like, okay, something I can consistently do for myself. Because if you don't show up for yourself first, you can't succeed and other things. And that's something that is hard. Because you know, my girlfriend, I were talking about this, I told her I was coming on in and talking about balance.
One of the hardest things that her and I were talking about as an adult, it's relearning what you've been taught. And we were taught, you know, you be selfless you do for others, you know, before yourself, it was always this mentality, right? That so many of us have, right? Like, if you are like, whoa, hold up, I need to take care of me first you're like, She's selfish, she's self centered. She's, you know, like this, that and the other. That's not true. And that's something that is so much easier said than done. And it's so much harder to, to lead and live out.
So for me, I was like, me spending time to work out and in my case swim in our gym, at the base I work at is five to 7am. Okay, for me to get that workout in. Yes, it's for me. But ultimately, if I don't do this for myself, I can't show up for the people I need to show up for. So for me to get over that kind of mental hurdle of what I was kind of raised in this like, Hey, if you're selfish, or you're doing something for yourself, it's almost a negative, which it's not. Okay, for the record? Yep. It's not. If it's something that is good for you. It needs to be a top priority first and foremost, period. The end. For me, I always have to have those self talks, right? And I have to sit there and say like, Okay, this is for me. But if I don't do this for me, I need to do this for me. But really, it's for them. And that's how I'm able to like get up at 5am to derive the 30 minutes the bass, get my swim in and then get myself together and go to work.
2. Break it Down
So how do we break it down? And how do we get to that place? Again, it goes to that list. It's kind of like, if you were and I know, I've talked about this before, and people are like, Jesus, I feel so seen. But it's true. Like if you look at your bank account, right, and you look at all of the money you spent last month it will show you what you care about. Because it's where you're putting your money. It's the same thing when it comes to time time is the only finite resource we have.
So if you look at And it's a thing called time blocking. I'm really big on it, which I highly recommend for all of you. And I'll break that down in a second. How are you choosing to spend your finite resource? And which is time, right? How are you choosing to allocate time, that's your most expensive currency. It's what can fuel you or exhausts you write how you use your time, write down the list of things that are important to you. And if you're looking at it, and you aren't spending an hour a day on your mental health, you aren't spending an hour a day on your physical well being. But you're supposed to show up for eight hours for like a traditional job or something else. There's a huge imbalance there, right? Are you having your quality time with your family? Are you do you have time set aside to socialize, to check in with friends or people that like really help fulfill you? That is important.
So when you are thinking about this, and you're like, Okay, that's great, Cheryl, but like, how do we start? How do you make this happen? Get a blank sheet of paper, and write down if you could fill a day, with everything that's important to you. What is it, write it all down, doesn't matter what it is, it could be big, it could be small, it couldn't be. And when I moved out, here it was having a cup of coffee, in peace alone, without anyone bothering me, whatever it is, write down what is a priority to you, and then shape your schedule around that. Because if you take your priorities, and you plan your life around it, then the things that you have to do will be better, you will be more successful at your job, you'll be more successful if you're, if you're a stay at home mom, which I've got to say I have a dog and a cat.
But like I have a dog and a cat, I do not have, you know, human children. And let me tell you, there is nothing I think is more badass or inspiring than moms. They talk about a selfless lifestyle. It's incredible. And do not for a second, sell yourself short. If you are sitting here and you're like, Hey, I'm in charge of literally growing and molding, little ones lives into being productive citizens. Your job is harder than countless of the other jobs that I've had that have like, titles that are impressive, like, right, like, Let's Get with the times. But to do that successfully, you have to show up for yourself. And the only way you can do that is again, start with that list.
Write down what is important to you. Now here's the thing, you're gonna write out all the things that are important to you, and then you're gonna look and you're gonna be like, I only have 24 hours a day. How the hell do I make this happen, right? I mean, you're sitting there and you're like, Okay, it'd be nice to like meditate, right? And have a gratitude journal and do all these things. But like, I need sleep too, right? So here's how it works. Time blocking. So you need to map out and again, you're going to think like, oh, do it once. Try it for three weeks. I promise it will make a huge difference. It certainly did for me. You write out your priorities, and then you allocate how much time each one takes. So for me to swim, right? For me to get there swim shower, it's an hour.
3. Time Blocking
Okay, so for me to do that, how much time for him and then I literally map out 24 hours in a day. And I block off time, right? I have ideal. Like, if I could get the dream sleep. I'm not a good sleeper. My husband jokes with me all the time. He's like, you suck at sleeping. I know. Right? I'm like, I gotta take melatonin or UNISOM or something to like, help me get there. Because, you know, I go to bed and the list just starts happening, right? But I always write down. What's my dream, sleep schedule, right? And then what can I do to improve and get to that point? And then I backfill, right, you have to start with necessities first, right?
If you have to work a set nine to five, put the nine to five in and put sleeping, then put eating. Then look at your list of what's important to you. Whether that's working out, calling family back home, maybe it is having that cup of coffee by yourself and then find that bit of time and put it in there, what has helped me go from, again, the component of like, oh, hopes and dreams, this would be nice to living it out. I put timers in my cell phone. So my alarm is going off. And I am literally like, literally having an alarm in my face, you need to have a cup of coffee. It sounds ridiculous. But when I saw that, I'm like, okay, you know what, and I set my phone to the side to the next alarm goes off, which is whatever I needed turn to next. And I just started slowly conditioning myself to like, I just need to sit here and think about everything or nothing. But what's most important is enjoying this cup of coffee. And the second I took the time to write down what was most important, right, that's step number one, step number two, time blocking it and actually writing out okay, how can I make this a reality?
Do I need to wake up earlier? Do I need to go to bed earlier? Do I need to stop watching TV so long? When I come home, instead of like, coming home throwing my stuff down? You know, making dinner or, you know, sitting on the couch for a few minutes? Do I need to change up my routines right? Once I started putting the timers in my cell phone and time blocking myself in, then I could actually start living it out. And here's where, you know, when I say the tactical living out is having those alarm clocks, right, here's where it gets hard, the emotional component. So you have these timers, right? You're like, it's my designated time to have a cup of coffee. But next thing you know, you get a call from someone you like, you get a message and you get a notification on social media, right, you get an email pop up, and then all of a sudden your your attention is, is taken. Or if you try to ignore it, you have what we call on our podcast, we call it Scheldt shaming, guilt, right?
And you're like, Oh man, here I am sitting here having this cup of coffee, when I could be doing this, I could be doing that whatever those things are in, and that emotional side of you, it starts eating up, and then the quality time you may have blocked out for yourself turns into just stress, which is the exact opposite of what it's meant for. Right. And there's one thing that I have learned through my full time job. You know, there's a lot of times when I'm busy, I'm doing reports, right I'm I'm working on an Excel spreadsheet, I've got the two monitors and the laptop going on at the same time. Right? Like, big business person, right?
4. Taking in Other's Needs
Whenever a volunteer will come in, who's having a hard day. And they just want to sit down and talk about nothing. And when I say nothing, it is something trivial. It doesn't really you know, it's not substantial. It's not earth shattering. Well, let me tell you something. I have made it a point. Anytime someone comes in my office, whatever I'm doing, it goes to the side. If it's a meeting, I close my door, right? And I have a like friendly sign like hey, I'm Cheryl Bare don't mean to be a bear for like, jogging, if you need to talk to me, right? Because I wanted them to know like, Hey, I appreciate your coming to my door. I just can't give you the attention you deserve right now. And that's a boundary in and of itself, right? You're acknowledging someone you're saying, Hey, thank you for coming to me, and I will get to you. But like, I just can't right now, anytime I can my doors open. If a volunteer or service member or anyone rolls in my office, whatever I'm working on, no matter how important to my boss, the big wigs that may be, it gets put to the side, because that moment to sit and talk to them about nothing.
In reality, it's everything for them. It's, it's that spark, you never know what small trivial conversation you will have that will be the game changer for someone else. But you won't even recognize that you're in that situation. If you're so busy laser focused, like Go Go, go, go, go get it done, get it done, get it done, and you're like, focus on the next thing. So really having that balance helps you be aware. This is one of those times because I'll tell you why. There has been a couple times where I've been an hour late for a report two hours late, you know, and I told my boss I'm like, hey, look, I this service member who just came out the field that needed to talk to me. So I'm sorry I was late for your report. I will try to be more diligent and get it done earlier in the future. But I was where I needed to be. And you know what they said? Thanks for being you.
Which like First off, kudos to like, right, my my supervisors for having the right priorities. But some of you may be sitting there and you're like, that's nice, but like, what our mission statement is and what our business is actually living out as two separate things. That is a good indicator, because if your values line up with your mission statement, but your chain of command or your supervisors don't fall in line with it, that may be a good time to like, look at your priorities, is this truly a priority for you? Or do you need to shop somewhere else, because it all does affect and the work life balance can really become imbalanced when your work is not fulfilling you in the way that it should. Or it is not satisfying, like a desire you have in life, right? Whatever impact it is that you're you're hoping to make. So that's also a sign that like, hey, I need to take a step back and kind of look at the bigger picture.
5. Recap
So just a quick recap on a few things I said, and then I'll get to kind of the biggest point which today, I will say 11, the past 11 years as a working professional, I have been chasing this like, I want to grow bigger, faster, stronger, I want to go up the ladder, I want to be this person in power. Like I always want to have a job no matter where we get stationed like all of this, right. And it was a personal point of pride for me. And that has changed. Part of it is I'm older. Part of it is also like my personal beliefs and values have changed, right? Also it is I've been pushed to the point where I didn't have work life balance, it was all work 24/7 Work, I mean, working three 100 hour weeks in a row and then having to pull off eight events the next week, and then still being asked to do more, right? When you get pushed to that point, you're like, I don't care what I'm getting paid. It's not enough, right? In your in your family. There's subtle ways that like you can't quite quantify, you can't quite see it, but it is affecting you. If you are feeling that way. Take that step back. Because life is the big picture work is a portion of it. And work should help you be a vehicle to live the life you want the lifestyle you want. It shouldn't be the end all be all in the full picture. That's why it's called work life balance.
So, okay, recap real quick. So you're writing down what's important to you, then you're looking at what's most important, what's critical and your time blocking it. Then when you time block it, you're living it out, right? The timer goes off, you need that cup of coffee, you're setting everything else aside, and you're just savoring that cup of coffee, because you plan it out. Here's the hardest part. So you got to do it right. You have to have no regrets about it. Be unapologetically committed to what is best for you. And again, you're like, must be nice, Cheryl, like easier said than done. And I know I'm sitting here, right? I'm in my 30s. So like, you're closer to 50 then you are from the start like wow, maybe when I get that point, right? All of those conversations are happening, right? And you're like, Well, here's the deal.
You're always trying to prove yourself right and you're you're trying to prove your worth your value. Why should why you should get a raise over someone else why you deserve this, you know, this new position why you're applying for this job right? And you're constantly trying to prove yourself which I'm not saying like just drop your pack give up on the job. But at what cost? At what cost? are you pursuing those things? Right? Because if you are losing your life balance, which is 50% of this right? If you're losing like your relationships, your friendships Sorry, I have another fighter jet coming over noisy but if you're losing your relationships that matter if you're losing your wit your humor, your everything because you're just used to being this strict rigid business person. How much living are you able to do? And at what cost is it is it affecting you? So being unapologetic what does that mean? You know that emotional component that I talked about? That is the heart is part right?
And here's the thing, I've, I've gotten better because I worked for a very toxic work environment that affected me tremendously. In hindsight, my biggest regret is I didn't quit and leave the job sooner. I didn't realize how much it impacted me, my husband, my family till two weeks after I left this job, was walking around our neighborhood with a cup of coffee. And my dog, and my husband drove by. And he was like, you know, I don't think I've seen you smile like this in yours. Which is like talking about a double edged sword. You're like, like, sort of like, oh my gosh, because part of it's like, oh, my gosh, I have such a cute smile, right? But the other side of you is like, Oh, my God, you haven't seen me smile like this in years? What have I been letting filter in to our space to our life space to our like, what's really matters, you know what's important? And it was a huge eye opener for me. And ever since then, you know, when when I went for this last job, and, you know, I met with my predecessor. And even my boss, like, who's a phenomenal, phenomenal guy. He jokes that I like, interrogated him. When I met him, and he's like, oh, yeah, like you told HR like, Oh, I think, you know, she, I think I passed her interrogation, and she might apply for the job.
But here's the thing, when I went through, I was like, I'm not willing to work 100 hours a week, I will give you everything I have. But it's got to be within reason. I, I'm proud of you know, our mission statement, our goals, where we're going, I'm 100% here for it, but not at the expense of all these other things. And it's one of those things that one, my boss understands from the get go. And he respects when I'm saying like, Nope, we're done. Or I will not let my team do this. No, because I am a people manager, like, my team is not going to do this. Why because that's outside of their wheelhouse, they're going to have to work more hours, I'm not doing it. There's not an argument there. Where if you don't firmly have your boundaries in place, then they're flexible than other people get to get to determine them, if you haven't determined them yourself ahead of time. And that is so important. Because if you don't take the time to write down your priorities, and then time block yourself, because here's the deal. If you ended up if you have an appointment, and you're like, Hey, I've got an appointment at five o'clock, I have to leave work. It does not matter what that appointment is, it can be a doctor's appointment, it could be an appointment to get your hair done, it could be an appointment to see your kids play soccer, whatever, it could be your dog's vet appointment, it doesn't matter what it is.
It matters to you, and it matters for the life portion of the work life balance. So it's non negotiable. But if you don't stand up and believe in it, no one else will. Which is why it's so important to you know, write it down and establish it. And stand firm in it. You know, it's the first step is taking the time, deciding for yourself what it is right, and then it is time blocking it and putting your your thoughts and hopes and dreams into action, right. And then it's living it out, right doing it.
Listening to your timers, taking, hey, this is my workout time, all I'm going to do is work out. This is my time to check emails, I'm just going to check emails, like I'm going to do with this workout. I'm just going to do this workout. And then once you do it, and you you pay attention to how it affects you, you know, it will help things fall into order. It will give you the confidence to not only do it but do it with no regrets, which is the biggest part. So sorry, I know I went on a super long tangent there. But it's something I'm passionate about.
You know, it's something that I've had to grow and tweak and develop and it's something that especially my teammates, the younger working professionals, especially females, there's commonalities you know, they're the first ones to apologize. No, like, Oh, I'm sorry. You know, my car broke down my husband, I are sharing cars. I'm like, Why are you apologizing? Because, you know, not to, you know, go off script here but like, a man would never apologize for that. Don't apologize for that or like a you get recognize for something. And they're like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. I'm like, No, don't thank me you did the work, you earned it. Like, if I didn't do this, then you should judge me accordingly. Because I'm a supervisor that shouldn't be. And remember that.
So when you are a supervisor, you can be better. But like, don't, don't thank me for like, recognizing, when you put in the work, you put in the effort, you put in the energy, you set the boundaries, you did the the work, productivity, you crushed it, you know, don't thank someone for that, because you earned it, it wasn't given. And this is something that I just I see all the time in the workplace. And it's something that has made the difference for my family, and has made, you know, our lifestyle, especially, you know, I can mention my husband's military. He'd been sent, we've lived in Japan, you know, we moved here, end of January, he's been here, we might be at 5050, him being here versus gone, right. So time is a finite resource, and it hits a little bit closer to home, because he's not coming home in a set time. Right. But it's something that if you let it be okay, it will be okay. But if you set the tone in the standard, then people have to meet that tone in the standard. But if you aren't, you know, advocating for yourself and you are protecting what's most important for you and your family? No one else is.
